The outside voices are beginning to beat the inside voices August 16, 2011Posted by mattfarmer in writing.
Tags: belief, day job, Matt Farmer, Matthew Farmer, writing, writing habit, writing inspiration
I am about to take a massive leap of faith. I am about to leave 3 years of employment, a steady job, and venture forth into the unknown. Scary? You betcha! But necessary? Sadly, yes. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time. If this is the case, then my job has made me insane. 3 years of pretty much doing the same thing, and getting no where.
I cannot poo-poo my current employer too much. They did employ me, and they did pay me. And the job is what it is. And if I didn’t like it I had the choice to leave. Which is what I am doing. And to be honest, it was the encouragement from other people which gave me the strength to do this. The outside voices provided a stronger argument to this decision than the inside voices which were saying- stay, it is a job, it helps you pay the bills. What are you going to do when you leave?
To be honest, while i have a plan – find a job, it is pretty much as vague as that. I was head hunted for a technical writing role. During the interview when they asked about my salary expectations, the interviewer paused in that way that means- oh, that’s too much. A few days later he came back to me with a lower offer. Again, the outside voices had convinced me that no, I am actually worth more than they are willing to pay me. I have educated myself. I have had years of writing experience behind me, writing creatively and writing non-fictionally, that what I was asking for was in fact very reasonable.
I have found a measure of self-worth! I have found a place where I can say – no, you will pay me what I am asking because I am worth it. I have the experience and the skills.
This is a significant moment for me. This is a fantastic shift in my mental process. I now believe in me more. Other people believe in me. OH SO MANY other people believe in me and my skills and talent and creativity and all that. They are the outside voices. And their support has put my inside voices in to the corner and shut them up. And it feels good.
Believing in one’s self is something you need to do your self. You have the power do to it. Or so the theory goes. In reality it is a lot harder than that. And, not to be a downer, more a realist, I know that the pendulum will swing back again. The inner voices will find a new weakness to exploit and drag me down again. But right now? I feel awesome. Right now I have planned the start of my Steam Punk novel, better. Right now I am almost finished the sci fi novel. Right now I am having a business meeting to design and build my website. Right now I am applying for jobs KNOWING I am the best candidate for the role, and not just saying it, but believing it.
And this is not even including the copy writing stuff I am doing, the sense of something about to happen that I am getting.
I did a tarot reading regarding this a few months back. The current circumstances was ‘The Fool’, and the next step was ‘The Magician’. These were the cards given to me, and I do believe this is what is happening.
And in other news, I have Open Office now, so I can write. This has very much eased my mind.